Writing things down always seems to help clear my thoughts..

So here we are.

The planned assault they've been preparing and plotting for months seems to be on the horizon. I've sat in their discussions and been allowed to hear their plans.

The siege of our one true sanctuary... but to what end? What compels them to try to rout out Lord Jeihrem when he is already confined? Don't they already have much larger issues to compete with external to Our studies and practices? Their own GODS are laying waste to this plane through various cohorts and proxies but they decide to neglect that and focus on the Isle.. Logic fails the masses, yet again. I shouldn't continue to be shocked after all this time but the glimmers of hope that manage to break through from time to time still give me pause.

What of our side? Do we HAVE a side or are we just a like-minded group of individualists that are facing a common enemy? We're supposed to be lead by Sivroch? The one who presumes to be our Teacher but provides no guidance? The one who claims to know Jeihrem's teachings and actions but provides no promise or explanation? Now this fool wants us to follow some plot that she's laid at our feet with no word on the reasoning or the potential outcome? How do we support an objective we are blind to?

I play along, again, on the off chance that some tidbit of information will slip out or some insight will expose itself during the process but that possibility seems to be ever shrinking.

What if they succeed? What then? Are we to just scatter to the wind and regroup again when a new Power establishes itself? Will They aid us during the assault, or worse, afterwards if we fail? I surely cant be expected to establish myself in any manner as a force, Jeihrem sees that we're no threat to him by limiting what knowledge he passes on. Sivroch seems self-destructive on the best days and I wouldn't follow her off of a sinking ship let alone engage in her persistent studies, no matter her past successes. Family alone doesn't win this war and allies are so unreliable when the dread of permanent death is presented that they are only as useful as their last breath.

I've spent most of my life studying and researching to explicitly avoid assaults like these. There are better ways to solve issues and come to a realistic and mutual agreement that don't resort in extermination. Even the Dragon Priests have learned to parley in recent years!

Maybe The Old Man has had it all figured out this whole time. Plant a garden, sow a field, observe the world and let time take care of the mice scurrying around trying to position themselves for the next bit of cheese.

What is this internal struggle? Insanity? Rationale?

What if its both?