...taken from Harvard Lampoon's amusing, if excessively bawdy, "Bored of the Rings".
This was always one of my favorite excerpts, and I can't help envisioning this scene whenever someone mentions feeling pity for Gollum.. only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
...Of the finding of the ring...
...When [Bilbo's] eyes became adjusted to the pale light, he found that the grotto was almost filled by a wide, kidney-shaped lake where a nasty-looking clown named [Gollum] paddled noisily about on an old rubber sea horse. He ate raw fish and occasional side orders to travel from the outside world in the form of lost travelers like [Bilbo], and he greeted [Bilbo's] unexpected entrance into his underground sauna in much the same way as he would the sudden arrival of a Chicken Delight truck. But like anyone with boggie ancestry, [Gollum] preferred the subtle approach in assaulting creatures over five inches high and weighing more than ten pounds, and consequently he challenged [Bilbo] to a riddle game to gain time. [Bilbo], who had a sudden attack of amnesia regarding the fact that the dwarves were being made into chutney outside the cave, accepted...
...Stumped at last for a riddle to ask, he cried out, as his hand fell on his snub-nosed .38, "What have I got in my pocket?" This [Gollum] failed to answer, and growing impatient, he paddled up to [Bilbo], whining, "Let me see, let me see." [Bilbo] obliged by pulling out the pistol and emptying it in [Gollum's] direction. The dark spoiled his aim, and he managed only to deflate the rubber boat, leaving [Gollum] to flounder. [Gollum], who couldn't swim, reached out his hand to [Bilbo] and begged him to pull him out, and, as he did, [Bilbo] noticed an interesting looking ring on his finger and pulled it off. He would have finished [Gollum] off then and there, but pity stayed his hand. It's a pity I've run out of bullets, he thought as he went back up the tunnel, pursued by [Gollum's] cries of rage...
